I must say I've become a bit lost, depressed, and utterly empty lately. Still, I know it's not too late to turn this life into something worth living for. The honest situation with me is that I've been rejected by 18 girls (yes, I counted), my grades will probably never be as good as I want them to be, I'm always feeling empty and lonely, I feel like this major I'm in will lead me to unemployment and an unfulfilled life, my family is going through extremely rough times, and I feel I am failing them as the last one to come out of college. Besides that, my body is quickly falling to pieces, as I can't motivate myself to work out and I've been trying to ease my frustrations with cigarettes. Let me reiterate that there is hope for me. If life sucks, then fine. I can't die, so guess I'll have to do the only thing I can and focus on making the things I can control a little bit better. Here are my goals for at least the second half of this semester.
1.School
I know that no one in my family has graduated in 4 years yet, and for reasons that were to some extent not their fault. I have had the best chance to succeed of anyone in my family. My schooling is completely paid for: no loans, no work-study, no reason to not come out and succeed. I haven't had the roommate problems, no kids, and I've had a chance to watch everyone else's mistakes and learn from them. So for me to not be on top right now is shameful and a disgrace to my family's sacrifices. I have to focus and somehow make this work. I just don't know how the hell to do any better than I am now.
2. Socially
I have to quit trying with the whole women thing. Whatever it takes to have someone, I just don't have it. Maybe because my social skills are lacking, or I'm weird, don't have wealth, I don't know. Truth is I've been persistently trying and no one could fault me for giving up on it now. The best thing that could happen to me socially now is to give up and accept defeat in that aspect of my life.
3. Guitar
A way to express myself when the words just aren't there is what learning guitar would mean to me. I've lost sight of that, but it was supposed to be a big goal of mine. I was so excited to get it, but why have I only learned 3 chords in the two months since I got it? Lack of discipline, I think. I am unbelievably busy, but I want to be good at this and I need to regain sight of that.
4. Live
With all these thoughts lately, as much as I hate to admit, I've been thinking that if I died maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing. I feel tired, as if I've been on this earth for 60 years, and I'm only 21. These lyrics by Shyne pretty much say it all:
"Walk through the shadow of death, my dick out pissin'. Rebel, laughin at the devil's homicidal threats. Only if he knew, I wanna lie cold who the fuck wanna die old. On this miserable earth forever put me in dirt is better than livin in search of treasure that only brings atrocity, and treachery..ain't no hope left for me."
No one who lives on my side of life can say they've never had these thoughts, and I realize I am no exception to them. I said on my last blog that living for others wasn't a strong enough motive to live. Well, if it's the only motive i have, and i truly love those people, I must deal with it. I have to keep living at maximum effort, even if it kills me.
That's it, really. I know there's people in my life that still think I can do great things, even though I've lost the ability to see that. I don't think I can do great things, but i can give my all until I die. I have to promise that to myself so that when i finally leave this world, I can do so knowing I at least did my best to fight through the endless bullshit and disappointment. Peace to all.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Time For Self
I must say, I've become a bit wrapped up in the hustle of everyday college life. Aside from writing for the newspaper, editing for the yearbook, and trying to "beat the 20" (a reference to my 20 credit hours), I haven't left much time to manage this blog or my personal life. I just finished the most radical week since my time at IU, pulling 5 all-nighters and sleeping very little to say the least. My mind is utterly exhausted, but keeping busy has been keeping me from facing the real problems that plague my soul.
Each day I wake up and head to class, where the only thing on my mind is the work I have to get done and how I plan on managing that time. The majority of the day has little human interaction, other than a minor text message or facebook comment sent from my cell phone. I think the only thing keeping me sane right now is busying my hands, taking assignments for the newspaper and spending endless nights at the library. All the while, I try to ignore the fact that I feel completely alone and have no idea where I am going.
It's not that I don't have faith. I feel I am a pretty strong person, and that will be seen in my book one day. Still, I can't hide from the darker thoughts that have been plaguing my mind lately. As I face these days alone and my dreams fade away, I can tell how this life will play out. I can see the place I am settling into in this world, and it is nothing like those childhood dreams I fought so hard to keep alive. I must admit, when the burden of my failures weighs deep on my soul, I can't help but think of the relief of death.
Don't be alarmed, because this is no suicide message. Though life is hard and is only getting harder, I can't help but continue to fight through it. I could never take my life, if for no other reason, because I would hate to cause those I care about that great pain. Still, living for others is not enough motivation for me. I must work to find a way to enjoy life and live for myself. I strive for the day when I can look upon my life and believe I can do great things again.
A woman would help. Not someone who is just there temporarily, because I fill some temporary void she needs, but because she truly cares about me and wants to be with me. I refuse to be someone whose happiness relies on relationship, but hell, it's lonely out here. I don't have a long list of relationships, and the ones I have been in ended bad or never should have begun. I try hard at it. Just ask my friends. I've faced more rejections than the average bear. Not sure what I'm doing wrong, but I somehow remain hopeful that I'll find someone eventually, and they will be true to me.
Feeling estranged...
Each day I wake up and head to class, where the only thing on my mind is the work I have to get done and how I plan on managing that time. The majority of the day has little human interaction, other than a minor text message or facebook comment sent from my cell phone. I think the only thing keeping me sane right now is busying my hands, taking assignments for the newspaper and spending endless nights at the library. All the while, I try to ignore the fact that I feel completely alone and have no idea where I am going.
It's not that I don't have faith. I feel I am a pretty strong person, and that will be seen in my book one day. Still, I can't hide from the darker thoughts that have been plaguing my mind lately. As I face these days alone and my dreams fade away, I can tell how this life will play out. I can see the place I am settling into in this world, and it is nothing like those childhood dreams I fought so hard to keep alive. I must admit, when the burden of my failures weighs deep on my soul, I can't help but think of the relief of death.
Don't be alarmed, because this is no suicide message. Though life is hard and is only getting harder, I can't help but continue to fight through it. I could never take my life, if for no other reason, because I would hate to cause those I care about that great pain. Still, living for others is not enough motivation for me. I must work to find a way to enjoy life and live for myself. I strive for the day when I can look upon my life and believe I can do great things again.
A woman would help. Not someone who is just there temporarily, because I fill some temporary void she needs, but because she truly cares about me and wants to be with me. I refuse to be someone whose happiness relies on relationship, but hell, it's lonely out here. I don't have a long list of relationships, and the ones I have been in ended bad or never should have begun. I try hard at it. Just ask my friends. I've faced more rejections than the average bear. Not sure what I'm doing wrong, but I somehow remain hopeful that I'll find someone eventually, and they will be true to me.
Feeling estranged...
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