Time For Self

I must say, I've become a bit wrapped up in the hustle of everyday college life. Aside from writing for the newspaper, editing for the yearbook, and trying to "beat the 20" (a reference to my 20 credit hours), I haven't left much time to manage this blog or my personal life. I just finished the most radical week since my time at IU, pulling 5 all-nighters and sleeping very little to say the least. My mind is utterly exhausted, but keeping busy has been keeping me from facing the real problems that plague my soul.

Each day I wake up and head to class, where the only thing on my mind is the work I have to get done and how I plan on managing that time. The majority of the day has little human interaction, other than a minor text message or facebook comment sent from my cell phone. I think the only thing keeping me sane right now is busying my hands, taking assignments for the newspaper and spending endless nights at the library. All the while, I try to ignore the fact that I feel completely alone and have no idea where I am going.

It's not that I don't have faith. I feel I am a pretty strong person, and that will be seen in my book one day. Still, I can't hide from the darker thoughts that have been plaguing my mind lately. As I face these days alone and my dreams fade away, I can tell how this life will play out. I can see the place I am settling into in this world, and it is nothing like those childhood dreams I fought so hard to keep alive. I must admit, when the burden of my failures weighs deep on my soul, I can't help but think of the relief of death.

Don't be alarmed, because this is no suicide message. Though life is hard and is only getting harder, I can't help but continue to fight through it. I could never take my life, if for no other reason, because I would hate to cause those I care about that great pain. Still, living for others is not enough motivation for me. I must work to find a way to enjoy life and live for myself. I strive for the day when I can look upon my life and believe I can do great things again.

A woman would help. Not someone who is just there temporarily, because I fill some temporary void she needs, but because she truly cares about me and wants to be with me. I refuse to be someone whose happiness relies on relationship, but hell, it's lonely out here. I don't have a long list of relationships, and the ones I have been in ended bad or never should have begun. I try hard at it. Just ask my friends. I've faced more rejections than the average bear. Not sure what I'm doing wrong, but I somehow remain hopeful that I'll find someone eventually, and they will be true to me.

Feeling estranged...