Me vs Me

Me1: So many times fallen. There's so much stress. How will my mom move on from losing her job? Is my family eating while I'm gone? Is my sister ok on her own with 2 kids? Is my brother happy with his life? And what about me? Are my grades already too bad to go anywhere in life? Should I have stuck with biology? Was journalism the right choice? Will I be the first of us to graduate in 4 years? How can I stop my deadly habits? Will i ever find a girl? Will I ever not feel so alone?

Me2: One million problems all because of your ego. You think you're Superman and here to save the world. You're not. Your mom sacrificed her dreams so she could raise you to be a man that would capture his. Stop thinking of every problem in the world like it's your fault or your duty to solve. Everyone has to fight their own battles and no one is going to fight yours.

Me1: They're my family. All I want is for us all to be doing well. No more unwanted pregnancy. No more divorces. No more unfulfilled college careers. No more living in hotels or bankruptcy. No more fights or broken furniture. Just a happy family, finally getting their piece. I know there has to be a way I can do it. At least there was. But i blew it because I came here and turned out not to be who I thought I was.

Me2: And who did you think you were?

Me1: My teachers said I would be great. I have a great mind and a gift for learning. They can't wait to see me on the front of Popular Science magazine. Yuck. My coaches said I was a football player with talent to take it to the next level. They wished they had a team full of Derrick Naylors. Ugh. Mom always told me I was handsome and a good man. She said the girls would be all over me and I would find a good woman. Much was expected of me and none was fulfilled. I thought I was this great person they all made me out to be. But i don't know who I am.

Me2: I'll tell you who you are. Derrick Naylor, a man who had a very successful life. You were always eager to start school and when you did you dominated it. Top of your class, or very close to it all the way through high school. A nerd turned athlete who went from a scrawny little kid to Bosse's hardest hitting linebacker and Defensive MVP. Think about it. There was a time when you were afraid of ferris wheels. But you became a force of danger on the football field. Women have never been a regular part of your life, true, but staying true to yourself is your greatest gift.

Me1: Ok, so I had a successful life. Then I went to college. What happened? Who am I now?

Me2: When high school was over, all of your prior life was justified. You had your diploma, your football award, and a girl by your side. School, sports and women, your 3 biggest concerns, all put to rest. And so began a new chapter in your life. You started it when you got to IU and it is nowhere near over yet. Just as you didn't know on your first day of school that you would be an honors student. Just as you didn't think you'd be a football team captain when you first stepped on the field. It's too early to call yourself a failure because you don't know how things will turn out.

Me1: I know you're right, but I just remember the road looking a lot less bleak back then. I knew what i had to do to get where I wanted to be. Now i just can't see where I'm headed. I could be wasting my time in college, wasting my time with every girl I try to be with, and wasting my time dieting and working out. I've lost sight of it all and sunk into a rut.

Me2: Just like the rut when you were in 4th grade, and the one from 11th grade. Hold on and don't lose faith. The end isn't here yet and the face of success is a lot less familiar than it was before. Like that Slash song that got you through the summer, Hold On...................................................................

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And they argue everyday, the two intelligent men in my head...