Can You Be The Plan?

I swear no one will ever understand how hard it is being me. Think you could do it? Can you juggle all this shit I'm going through? Try it. Try being a good christian man surrounded by a secular world. Try to be tough yet sweet in this world that's just waiting to swallow you whole. Treat women the way you were raised to and watch the shit backfire in your face. Every. Single. Time. Watch your family's despair and heartache and be powerless to help them. Work your ass off to be an average college student and a broke one at that. Everyday I need a jump start just to keep this thing in motion. The white friends wanna do this and the black friends wanna do that. Can you live in both those worlds and still keep some sanity for yourself? There won't be any sanity for me in the end. Sometimes I could say to hell with it all. My father didn't teach me how to live up to these traditional masculine standards. I'm just the youngest of 4 poor kids from Mississippi. What do I know about how to rise to the top? It's too much and I can't take it, can't even breathe. It gets deeper. In the end all that awaits me is death. And as soon as I've lived this life and stayed true to myself the whole way through I would gladly welcome such a fate. Can you be The Plan? I wouldn't recommend it.

My Lyrics: All Along

All Along by Kid Cudi if I wrote it.
original:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBM59wjkf44

Hey, um um um um mm 
Hey, um um um um mm 

As the days change, so does my attitude 
I'm messy at home, always wanna be alone 
As the nights change, I find peace of my own
And suddenly, I can see reality
All alone, all along, I guess I'm meant to be alone 
All alone, all along, I guess I'm meant to be alone, im out there on my own, yea 

As the weeks change, i start dying inside 
I'm addicted to highs, not hard to see why

As the months change, so do my love point of views 
I want that lady, but she don't want me
She's through wit me 

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/all-along-lyrics-kid-cudi.html ]


I know im all alone, all along, i knew it,  meant to be alone, its crazy 

Been all alone, all along, i knew i was meant to be alone out here on my own yeah, 

Suppose somehow the lion hearted failed to win, would he rise again? 


suppose somehow the lion hearted failed to smile, who would stay with him for just a while? 


All alone, all along, I guess I'm meant to be alone 
all alone, all along, I guess I'm meant to be alone, im out here on my own, yea

My Lyrics: Gotten

The lyrics to Gotten by Slash if I had wrote them.
original:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KiGmpeBBBaI

So nice to see your face again
Tell me how long has it been
Since we've been here
(since we've been here)
You look no different than before
You’re still the woman I adore
I'm frozen with fear
Not out of love but I'm shaken by the past
All out of words cause you said it’ll never last

I’ve been saving these last words for one last miracle
But now I’m not sure
I can’t save you if you won’t let me
You just get me like I’ve never been gotten before

Babe we had a bitter end
But why can't we just start again?
Won't you come this way
(girl come my way)
Do not make me think of him
The way he touched your lovely skin
That haunts me every day
Not out of love but I can’t forget the past
And how you told me I’m sure it’ll never last

I’ve been saving these last words for one last miracle
But now I’m not sure
I can’t save you if you won’t let me
You just get me like I’ve never been gotten before
Like I’ve never been gotten before

Slash Solo

So nice to see your face again
Will you be with me again?Don’t disappear

I’ve been saving these last words for one last miracle
But now I’m not sure
And I can’t save you if you won’t let me
You just get me like I’ve never been gotten before
And like I’ll never be gotten...again

Me vs Me

Me1: So many times fallen. There's so much stress. How will my mom move on from losing her job? Is my family eating while I'm gone? Is my sister ok on her own with 2 kids? Is my brother happy with his life? And what about me? Are my grades already too bad to go anywhere in life? Should I have stuck with biology? Was journalism the right choice? Will I be the first of us to graduate in 4 years? How can I stop my deadly habits? Will i ever find a girl? Will I ever not feel so alone?

Me2: One million problems all because of your ego. You think you're Superman and here to save the world. You're not. Your mom sacrificed her dreams so she could raise you to be a man that would capture his. Stop thinking of every problem in the world like it's your fault or your duty to solve. Everyone has to fight their own battles and no one is going to fight yours.

Me1: They're my family. All I want is for us all to be doing well. No more unwanted pregnancy. No more divorces. No more unfulfilled college careers. No more living in hotels or bankruptcy. No more fights or broken furniture. Just a happy family, finally getting their piece. I know there has to be a way I can do it. At least there was. But i blew it because I came here and turned out not to be who I thought I was.

Me2: And who did you think you were?

Me1: My teachers said I would be great. I have a great mind and a gift for learning. They can't wait to see me on the front of Popular Science magazine. Yuck. My coaches said I was a football player with talent to take it to the next level. They wished they had a team full of Derrick Naylors. Ugh. Mom always told me I was handsome and a good man. She said the girls would be all over me and I would find a good woman. Much was expected of me and none was fulfilled. I thought I was this great person they all made me out to be. But i don't know who I am.

Me2: I'll tell you who you are. Derrick Naylor, a man who had a very successful life. You were always eager to start school and when you did you dominated it. Top of your class, or very close to it all the way through high school. A nerd turned athlete who went from a scrawny little kid to Bosse's hardest hitting linebacker and Defensive MVP. Think about it. There was a time when you were afraid of ferris wheels. But you became a force of danger on the football field. Women have never been a regular part of your life, true, but staying true to yourself is your greatest gift.

Me1: Ok, so I had a successful life. Then I went to college. What happened? Who am I now?

Me2: When high school was over, all of your prior life was justified. You had your diploma, your football award, and a girl by your side. School, sports and women, your 3 biggest concerns, all put to rest. And so began a new chapter in your life. You started it when you got to IU and it is nowhere near over yet. Just as you didn't know on your first day of school that you would be an honors student. Just as you didn't think you'd be a football team captain when you first stepped on the field. It's too early to call yourself a failure because you don't know how things will turn out.

Me1: I know you're right, but I just remember the road looking a lot less bleak back then. I knew what i had to do to get where I wanted to be. Now i just can't see where I'm headed. I could be wasting my time in college, wasting my time with every girl I try to be with, and wasting my time dieting and working out. I've lost sight of it all and sunk into a rut.

Me2: Just like the rut when you were in 4th grade, and the one from 11th grade. Hold on and don't lose faith. The end isn't here yet and the face of success is a lot less familiar than it was before. Like that Slash song that got you through the summer, Hold On...................................................................

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And they argue everyday, the two intelligent men in my head...

Refocusing

I must say I've become a bit lost, depressed, and utterly empty lately. Still, I know it's not too late to turn this life into something worth living for. The honest situation with me is that I've been rejected by 18 girls (yes, I counted), my grades will probably never be as good as I want them to be, I'm always feeling empty and lonely, I feel like this major I'm in will lead me to unemployment and an unfulfilled life, my family is going through extremely rough times, and I feel I am failing them as the last one to come out of college. Besides that, my body is quickly falling to pieces, as I can't motivate myself to work out and I've been trying to ease my frustrations with cigarettes. Let me reiterate that there is hope for me. If life sucks, then fine. I can't die, so guess I'll have to do the only thing I can and focus on making the things I can control a little bit better. Here are my goals for at least the second half of this semester.

1.School

I know that no one in my family has graduated in 4 years yet, and for reasons that were to some extent not their fault. I have had the best chance to succeed of anyone in my family. My schooling is completely paid for: no loans, no work-study, no reason to not come out and succeed. I haven't had the roommate problems, no kids, and I've had a chance to watch everyone else's mistakes and learn from them. So for me to not be on top right now is shameful and a disgrace to my family's sacrifices. I have to focus and somehow make this work. I just don't know how the hell to do any better than I am now.

2. Socially

I have to quit trying with the whole women thing. Whatever it takes to have someone, I just don't have it. Maybe because my social skills are lacking, or I'm weird, don't have wealth, I don't know. Truth is I've been persistently trying and no one could fault me for giving up on it now. The best thing that could happen to me socially now is to give up and accept defeat in that aspect of my life.

3. Guitar

A way to express myself when the words just aren't there is what learning guitar would mean to me. I've lost sight of that, but it was supposed to be a big goal of mine. I was so excited to get it, but why have I only learned 3 chords in the two months since I got it? Lack of discipline, I think. I am unbelievably busy, but I want to be good at this and I need to regain sight of that.

4. Live

With all these thoughts lately, as much as I hate to admit, I've been thinking that if I died maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing. I feel tired, as if I've been on this earth for 60 years, and I'm only 21. These lyrics by Shyne pretty much say it all:

"Walk through the shadow of death, my dick out pissin'. Rebel, laughin at the devil's homicidal threats. Only if he knew, I wanna lie cold who the fuck wanna die old. On this miserable earth forever put me in dirt is better than livin in search of treasure that only brings atrocity, and treachery..ain't no hope left for me."

No one who lives on my side of life can say they've never had these thoughts, and I realize I am no exception to them. I said on my last blog that living for others wasn't a strong enough motive to live. Well, if it's the only motive i have, and i truly love those people, I must deal with it. I have to keep living at maximum effort, even if it kills me.


That's it, really. I know there's people in my life that still think I can do great things, even though I've lost the ability to see that. I don't think I can do great things, but i can give my all until I die. I have to promise that to myself so that when i finally leave this world, I can do so knowing I at least did my best to fight through the endless bullshit and disappointment. Peace to all.

Time For Self

I must say, I've become a bit wrapped up in the hustle of everyday college life. Aside from writing for the newspaper, editing for the yearbook, and trying to "beat the 20" (a reference to my 20 credit hours), I haven't left much time to manage this blog or my personal life. I just finished the most radical week since my time at IU, pulling 5 all-nighters and sleeping very little to say the least. My mind is utterly exhausted, but keeping busy has been keeping me from facing the real problems that plague my soul.

Each day I wake up and head to class, where the only thing on my mind is the work I have to get done and how I plan on managing that time. The majority of the day has little human interaction, other than a minor text message or facebook comment sent from my cell phone. I think the only thing keeping me sane right now is busying my hands, taking assignments for the newspaper and spending endless nights at the library. All the while, I try to ignore the fact that I feel completely alone and have no idea where I am going.

It's not that I don't have faith. I feel I am a pretty strong person, and that will be seen in my book one day. Still, I can't hide from the darker thoughts that have been plaguing my mind lately. As I face these days alone and my dreams fade away, I can tell how this life will play out. I can see the place I am settling into in this world, and it is nothing like those childhood dreams I fought so hard to keep alive. I must admit, when the burden of my failures weighs deep on my soul, I can't help but think of the relief of death.

Don't be alarmed, because this is no suicide message. Though life is hard and is only getting harder, I can't help but continue to fight through it. I could never take my life, if for no other reason, because I would hate to cause those I care about that great pain. Still, living for others is not enough motivation for me. I must work to find a way to enjoy life and live for myself. I strive for the day when I can look upon my life and believe I can do great things again.

A woman would help. Not someone who is just there temporarily, because I fill some temporary void she needs, but because she truly cares about me and wants to be with me. I refuse to be someone whose happiness relies on relationship, but hell, it's lonely out here. I don't have a long list of relationships, and the ones I have been in ended bad or never should have begun. I try hard at it. Just ask my friends. I've faced more rejections than the average bear. Not sure what I'm doing wrong, but I somehow remain hopeful that I'll find someone eventually, and they will be true to me.

Feeling estranged...

A Little Update

Semester 5 is well underway and I haven't had time to write on here in quite some time. I assume that's okay since I only have one follower, but still I feel the need to give a little update on what's going in my life currently. I figure it'll be cool to divide this up and talk about each aspect of my life individually, much like how "Know The Plan" will be formatted.

Family

I haven't had much time to check up on my family since I've been back. This really saddens me since they were instrumental in helping me get back to school when things with my car didn't work out. My brother Brandon offered to take me back, but the morning we were supposed to leave we found two flat front tires to hinder our journey. My sister then stepped up and offered her car, leaving her to find another transport to work. My mother  helped tremendously monetarily when I failed to earn enough money for school supplies. Even though I wasn't able to pay her back, she still gives me her full support. My family means so much to me and I keep them in my heart always, but communication with them has been scarce lately.

Friends

I can't say I've had much time for them either. I can feel myself growing apart from everyone, even my closest friends. To say why I'd have to fully understand who I am now, which I don't. They all still support me, I know, but I can't help but feel I'm all alone for this journey. This semester has so far been one of those me-against-the-world type adventures. It doesn't show signs of changing.

Education

The reason I've been so busy with school is because I'm taking 20 credit hours now. That's seven classes that need my attention. There's always something to be done, never an excuse to take a night off. Days are full of class time and nights are usually spent at the library until my eyes feel heavy or my attention span is depleted. Then I wake up in the morning and do it all again. If the classes weren't enough, my commitments to IU's Arbutus and the IDS newspaper surely take the remainder of my free time. I haven't been satisfied with my academic performance since college began, but now I at least feel I am giving my best effort. I have given myself completely to my schoolwork. There is nothing else. I'd like to see myself, after nearly being placed on academic probation, soar to the top and be placed on the Dean's List. I'll tear my heart out before I give up on that goal.

Women

Well, shit. Luck hasn't changed one bit. Been single for two years, with more close calls than I even want to think about. For some reason, even though I have more confidence than ever, I can't bring things full circle with any girl. I feel I just don't have the ability to connect with them on that level. Its been a long time since I was too nervous to talk to a female or ask her out, but with all the rejection and near misses it just doesn't seem logical to keep trying at this point. There's a girl who has everything I want in a woman. I feel I connected with her like I've never connected with anyone before. Yet she told me she's not the person she once was. She's not ever going to be the person that had feelings for me again. I'd say that rejection should speak for this entire semester. If love is going to show its face in my life again, it at least will wait a year. "Now that you've been broken down, got your head out of the clouds. And you don't talk so loud. And you don't walk so proud, anymore..."



Here I am. Nothing more to update really. I got a guitar. I have glasses now. I'm a full-time nerd. I'm probably more boring than I've ever been and broke. Theme for the semester? It's kind of early, but Estranged by Guns is seeming pretty fitting for how I feel lately. "When you're talking to yourself and nobody's home...You can't fool yourself. You came in this world alone. Alone..."