Refocusing

I must say I've become a bit lost, depressed, and utterly empty lately. Still, I know it's not too late to turn this life into something worth living for. The honest situation with me is that I've been rejected by 18 girls (yes, I counted), my grades will probably never be as good as I want them to be, I'm always feeling empty and lonely, I feel like this major I'm in will lead me to unemployment and an unfulfilled life, my family is going through extremely rough times, and I feel I am failing them as the last one to come out of college. Besides that, my body is quickly falling to pieces, as I can't motivate myself to work out and I've been trying to ease my frustrations with cigarettes. Let me reiterate that there is hope for me. If life sucks, then fine. I can't die, so guess I'll have to do the only thing I can and focus on making the things I can control a little bit better. Here are my goals for at least the second half of this semester.

1.School

I know that no one in my family has graduated in 4 years yet, and for reasons that were to some extent not their fault. I have had the best chance to succeed of anyone in my family. My schooling is completely paid for: no loans, no work-study, no reason to not come out and succeed. I haven't had the roommate problems, no kids, and I've had a chance to watch everyone else's mistakes and learn from them. So for me to not be on top right now is shameful and a disgrace to my family's sacrifices. I have to focus and somehow make this work. I just don't know how the hell to do any better than I am now.

2. Socially

I have to quit trying with the whole women thing. Whatever it takes to have someone, I just don't have it. Maybe because my social skills are lacking, or I'm weird, don't have wealth, I don't know. Truth is I've been persistently trying and no one could fault me for giving up on it now. The best thing that could happen to me socially now is to give up and accept defeat in that aspect of my life.

3. Guitar

A way to express myself when the words just aren't there is what learning guitar would mean to me. I've lost sight of that, but it was supposed to be a big goal of mine. I was so excited to get it, but why have I only learned 3 chords in the two months since I got it? Lack of discipline, I think. I am unbelievably busy, but I want to be good at this and I need to regain sight of that.

4. Live

With all these thoughts lately, as much as I hate to admit, I've been thinking that if I died maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing. I feel tired, as if I've been on this earth for 60 years, and I'm only 21. These lyrics by Shyne pretty much say it all:

"Walk through the shadow of death, my dick out pissin'. Rebel, laughin at the devil's homicidal threats. Only if he knew, I wanna lie cold who the fuck wanna die old. On this miserable earth forever put me in dirt is better than livin in search of treasure that only brings atrocity, and treachery..ain't no hope left for me."

No one who lives on my side of life can say they've never had these thoughts, and I realize I am no exception to them. I said on my last blog that living for others wasn't a strong enough motive to live. Well, if it's the only motive i have, and i truly love those people, I must deal with it. I have to keep living at maximum effort, even if it kills me.


That's it, really. I know there's people in my life that still think I can do great things, even though I've lost the ability to see that. I don't think I can do great things, but i can give my all until I die. I have to promise that to myself so that when i finally leave this world, I can do so knowing I at least did my best to fight through the endless bullshit and disappointment. Peace to all.

Time For Self

I must say, I've become a bit wrapped up in the hustle of everyday college life. Aside from writing for the newspaper, editing for the yearbook, and trying to "beat the 20" (a reference to my 20 credit hours), I haven't left much time to manage this blog or my personal life. I just finished the most radical week since my time at IU, pulling 5 all-nighters and sleeping very little to say the least. My mind is utterly exhausted, but keeping busy has been keeping me from facing the real problems that plague my soul.

Each day I wake up and head to class, where the only thing on my mind is the work I have to get done and how I plan on managing that time. The majority of the day has little human interaction, other than a minor text message or facebook comment sent from my cell phone. I think the only thing keeping me sane right now is busying my hands, taking assignments for the newspaper and spending endless nights at the library. All the while, I try to ignore the fact that I feel completely alone and have no idea where I am going.

It's not that I don't have faith. I feel I am a pretty strong person, and that will be seen in my book one day. Still, I can't hide from the darker thoughts that have been plaguing my mind lately. As I face these days alone and my dreams fade away, I can tell how this life will play out. I can see the place I am settling into in this world, and it is nothing like those childhood dreams I fought so hard to keep alive. I must admit, when the burden of my failures weighs deep on my soul, I can't help but think of the relief of death.

Don't be alarmed, because this is no suicide message. Though life is hard and is only getting harder, I can't help but continue to fight through it. I could never take my life, if for no other reason, because I would hate to cause those I care about that great pain. Still, living for others is not enough motivation for me. I must work to find a way to enjoy life and live for myself. I strive for the day when I can look upon my life and believe I can do great things again.

A woman would help. Not someone who is just there temporarily, because I fill some temporary void she needs, but because she truly cares about me and wants to be with me. I refuse to be someone whose happiness relies on relationship, but hell, it's lonely out here. I don't have a long list of relationships, and the ones I have been in ended bad or never should have begun. I try hard at it. Just ask my friends. I've faced more rejections than the average bear. Not sure what I'm doing wrong, but I somehow remain hopeful that I'll find someone eventually, and they will be true to me.

Feeling estranged...

A Little Update

Semester 5 is well underway and I haven't had time to write on here in quite some time. I assume that's okay since I only have one follower, but still I feel the need to give a little update on what's going in my life currently. I figure it'll be cool to divide this up and talk about each aspect of my life individually, much like how "Know The Plan" will be formatted.

Family

I haven't had much time to check up on my family since I've been back. This really saddens me since they were instrumental in helping me get back to school when things with my car didn't work out. My brother Brandon offered to take me back, but the morning we were supposed to leave we found two flat front tires to hinder our journey. My sister then stepped up and offered her car, leaving her to find another transport to work. My mother  helped tremendously monetarily when I failed to earn enough money for school supplies. Even though I wasn't able to pay her back, she still gives me her full support. My family means so much to me and I keep them in my heart always, but communication with them has been scarce lately.

Friends

I can't say I've had much time for them either. I can feel myself growing apart from everyone, even my closest friends. To say why I'd have to fully understand who I am now, which I don't. They all still support me, I know, but I can't help but feel I'm all alone for this journey. This semester has so far been one of those me-against-the-world type adventures. It doesn't show signs of changing.

Education

The reason I've been so busy with school is because I'm taking 20 credit hours now. That's seven classes that need my attention. There's always something to be done, never an excuse to take a night off. Days are full of class time and nights are usually spent at the library until my eyes feel heavy or my attention span is depleted. Then I wake up in the morning and do it all again. If the classes weren't enough, my commitments to IU's Arbutus and the IDS newspaper surely take the remainder of my free time. I haven't been satisfied with my academic performance since college began, but now I at least feel I am giving my best effort. I have given myself completely to my schoolwork. There is nothing else. I'd like to see myself, after nearly being placed on academic probation, soar to the top and be placed on the Dean's List. I'll tear my heart out before I give up on that goal.

Women

Well, shit. Luck hasn't changed one bit. Been single for two years, with more close calls than I even want to think about. For some reason, even though I have more confidence than ever, I can't bring things full circle with any girl. I feel I just don't have the ability to connect with them on that level. Its been a long time since I was too nervous to talk to a female or ask her out, but with all the rejection and near misses it just doesn't seem logical to keep trying at this point. There's a girl who has everything I want in a woman. I feel I connected with her like I've never connected with anyone before. Yet she told me she's not the person she once was. She's not ever going to be the person that had feelings for me again. I'd say that rejection should speak for this entire semester. If love is going to show its face in my life again, it at least will wait a year. "Now that you've been broken down, got your head out of the clouds. And you don't talk so loud. And you don't walk so proud, anymore..."



Here I am. Nothing more to update really. I got a guitar. I have glasses now. I'm a full-time nerd. I'm probably more boring than I've ever been and broke. Theme for the semester? It's kind of early, but Estranged by Guns is seeming pretty fitting for how I feel lately. "When you're talking to yourself and nobody's home...You can't fool yourself. You came in this world alone. Alone..."

The Last Run?

Last night was an interesting night for me which put a few things in perspective. Overwhelmed with stress from a number of different things, I decided to go for a run. There were a number of purposes for this late night adventure. Running has always been, or once was, a great way for me to relieve stress. It frees my mind from the bondage of time and space. I was also curious to see just what my body had left to give. After a summer of lounging and being an overall fat-ass, the odds were stacked heavily against me. Still, I walked boldly out the front door, ipod in ear, ironically listening to Back In The Saddle by Aerosmith.

What ensued did not make me feel back in the saddle at all. I felt like I was riding a horse that not only had i never rode before, but wanted me off his back asap. My knees felt sore, the result of five years of football and track. My legs were cramped due to a huge number of things. Overall, however, the physical pain wasn't what was slowing me down. It was the fact that my will as an athlete, or even a person trying to get in shape, was shot. Then, as soon as I began to feel fatigue, the voice in my head started:

"Why are we doing this? What's the point? The days of being an athlete are over for us. We may have been on the top at Bosse, but in the real world it's not our place. Why get tired, lose your breath, or punish your body any further? We had our last stand. We will never play football again, no matter how many miles we run tonight. It's time to let this spirit go."

My steady jog slowed to a point which can barely be called movement. I prepared to take that walk of shame back to my house, back to frustration, and back to unfulfilled dreams. That's when, in the distance, I spotted my longtime friend Elliot Ward. I yelled to him, thankful for a legitimate excuse to end my run. Elliot is a soccer player for Hanover and was heading out to do some conditioning. I decided the situation was interesting enough to accompany him.

I began by attempting to join him in a series of sprints and plyometrics, but soon realized I had nothing left to give. My transition from partner to spectator was quick. As I watched Elliot fight through his fatigue and finish his workout, I was reminded of myself from the previous summer. That summer was spent working out and running, pushing myself far beyond my limits, in an attempt to prepare for a tryout for the IU football team. I only had the tiniest fraction of a chance at making the team. I was realistic about that from the beginning. However, just that fraction of a chance drove me to push my body like I never had before. The smallest spark lit me into an undying flame. Watching Elliot that night, I realized I would never be on fire like that again. That tiny spark was gone in me and wasn't coming back.

In life we must sometimes give up our dreams. Sheer determination doesn't always win the day. If it did, there would be a countless number of Supermen and thus no Superman in this world. Maybe that's too deep, but my point is that we can't have some things we want, even if we are willing to go to the ends of the earth to get them. We must find our place in this world and be realistic in our efforts. The reality of my life is that it shall be fulfilled not by physical feats, but by expanding my mental capacity to master some aspect of this life. Last night may quite possibly have been my last run, but I will always keep moving forward.

SLASH

Over the past year I must say my taste in music has diversified greatly. I owe much of this to the diverse groups of people I have met in college. It can also be attributed to my saga of guitar hero interest. As I played the game I began to gain an ear for a number of different artists. One such was Guns N' Roses, and from that evolved an interest in the guitarist known as Slash.

Apparently I lucked up because right around this time Slash was set to release a solo album, previously unheard of for a non-vocal guitarist. So I picked up the album around the end of this past school year. At first I didn't pay it much attention. I was too stuck on the classic Appetite for Destruction by Guns N' Roses. When I finally gave Slash a fair chance, however, it became the soundtrack of my summer easily.

Without sounding too cliche, I must say this album has it all. There is a strong hard-hitting opener, essential for any great record,  entitled Ghost. There are some slower songs for heart rate control, one called Gotten and another called Saint Is a Sinner Too. Both songs, while a bit softer, are interesting and enjoyable to listen to. There are songs that motivate me, notably Promise, I Hold On, and Starlight. Then, of course, are songs to just party and have fun to, such as We're All Gonna Die.

So just like that this album has hyped me up, calmed me down, made me think, and motivated me. And that's only half the album! Slash obviously worked hard on this masterpiece, writing the majority of the lyrics and hunting down the best artists to sing each track. His work on the guitar is stellar, pushing me from having a mild desire to learn the guitar to a near-obsession with it. Just listen to the track Watch This and tell me you don't want to pick up a guitar.

Well, just wanted to share my thoughts on what I feel has become one of my favorite albums of all time. Some crucial factors of a good CD in my opinion are as follows: being able to listen through the entire album, tracks that flow seamlessly together, a mixture of different sounds, and a great opening and closing track. This album obviously passes that test. So check it out if you're into hard rock, or even if you're not. This album could be the one to make you come around. Nice work, Slash.

Semester Themes

This is not something I ever thought I'd share with others, but I am a huge fan of music. Be it for fun or for motivation, listening to music always seems to positively impact my day. This being so, when I got to college my love for music evolved into something much deeper. It became a slate upon which to carve all of my life's memories.
The idea came to me when I began to realize how vividly I remembered time periods in life by the music I listened to at the time. Hearing a certain song would trigger all of these memories and emotions. A song could ensure that I never forgot some of the best or worst times in my life.
An example of this before college was Joe's entire Ain't Nothin Like Me album. I think this is one of the best R&B albums I've ever heard, but it makes me sad to hear it because at the time I listened to it there was a girl I really wanted to be with. Even though that girl and I hate each other, listening to that album still brings back painful memories.
It can even be happier songs. For example, Lupe Fiasco's The Cool album makes me kind of sad at times because of that same girl. It was also a sad time in general. However, most the songs on that album are very upbeat and encouraging.
So there's a couple examples of this "musical memory" as I like to call it. What I did with it at college, though I'm not sure at what point I decided to, was to actually document these songs for each semester. Each semester, I assumed, would basically be a new chapter in my life with its own adventures. The music I listened to that semester would be made into a sort of soundtrack with the song that stood out the most being named the "theme" of the semester. So far it has turned out to be a neat and fun experience.
One thing I have tried not to do is pick the song before I actually experience the semester. This has happened once, but it worked out for the best. So far I have lived through 4 semesters of college. Each has its on theme and when I hear them my story basically tells itself. Ok, I'm going to try and write them all along with a link to each. They should all be on youtube.

Semester 1: Get Up- Beach Crusaders
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBacJJ_Tpl8&feature=related (hard to hear live, found song originally by mistake)

Semester 2: Eye of the Tiger-Survivor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cf45I1ZI__w

Semester 3: Don't Stop Believing-Journey
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfUYuIVbFg0 (i used itunes to cut out the whole 1st minute in my version)


Semester 4: Go For It-MC Breeze
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x36_GZgoAIc


I also had to let summertime be a part of the experience. Here's the themes from the two summers I've experienced while in college.


Summer 1: Indestructible-Exile 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prDVEQ4DfOc


Summer 2: I Hold On-SLASH
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_n3662vgJw


That's it so far and the college experience is far from over. There will hopefully be many more stories to tell in the future. As you can tell, the themes didn't always sync up with the type of music I listened to at the time. However, themes were always picked to be motivational and uplifting. This means that many of them sound corny as hell, but they lit some of my darkest hours while at school or at home for the summer. Maybe this exercise will do some good for you if you are looking for extra motivation or a way to look back on your experiences in life. Glad I could share this.

Hello World

Derrick LaShawn Naylor, aka "The Plan", finally has a blog. I'm pretty excited about this because I love to write, but haven't really had a venue to write freely like this in a while. I don't have any concise plans for this yet, just want to kind of test it out for awhile. However, I do know I want to make this something real that will affect the lives of those who read it. Open your mind to my thoughts and experiences. Journey with me as I try to tackle life's trials and tribulations, and in turn, take from me the strength to tackle your own.

Just a little about me: I am about to be a junior at Indiana University, as a journalism major. I hope to write for a newspaper or preferably a magazine someday, though I'm sure it will all soon be online. I was once a biology major, but I soon found out I wasn't the genius I thought I was. In high school I was in the top 7% of my graduating class. Yet in college so far I've been nothing exceeding average. Still, i hold on in the hopes of soon finding my way to the top again.

Currently I'm trying for a third time to write a book, with the working title "Know The Plan". It's past what I would call the early stages, but a long way from being finished. The book is really a study of my life so far, which may seem odd for someone as young as 20, but I have friends younger than I who have passed to the next life. Oh yeah, I'm a christian but don't worry. I'm not the kind that's all in your face about it. I think of my faith as something I have and couldn't live without, but it's really nothing I feel the need to share with anyone else. And that is most likely the last I'll ever speak of it on here.

Well, that should do it for now. I just wanted to give a short intro. Trust me, this will get pretty deep sometimes and whoever reads it will get to know me very well. There will also be plenty of funny moments because I love making others laugh and am usually laughing just as hard, if not harder. Looking forward to this very much.